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Here is an email I received from a precious Christian girl this week.  (I have changed the names)

David said he felt unsure about us at various times throughout the relationship. That was it. After we broke he basically told me to not talk to him anymore. He said he was convicted that it was sin (is that possible?)

I want Christ to be my priority but I am not putting Him there. I want to, but I am feeling so far from Him. I don’t know whats wrong with me!!

I have one girl friend that us godly. Only one. And none that are guy friends. I have a few Christian people I know but I live in another state. 

I was really disrespectful to him AND controlling. And now that I am aware and sorry for my sin I don’t even have a chance to say I am sorry to him! He wanted me to be close to Christ and become more Christ like. I honestly think he was growing faster spiritually then me. 

Here is my response:

What is wrong with you right now?

Here are my guesses.  This is the painful part, so please bear with me!

When we don’t have the Spirit of God filling us and growing His fruit in us (and it all grows at the same time): love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness and self-control – if all of those things are not happening in my life, then I am not being controlled by His Spirit, I am being controlled by my sin nature.

That means I either
1.  haven’t accepted Christ as Savior and Lord
2. am not living with Him as Lord and have an idol in His place (i.e.: a guy, the idea of getting married, wanting to be dating someone, wanting the feeling of being in love, forcing David to get back with me…)
3. have grieved His Spirit with sin and am cherishing resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, greed, lust, jealousy, selfishness, pride, or some sin in my heart more than my relationship with Christ.

So, are you plugged into a church?  Are you in a Christian single’s group?  Do you have a godly wife or older single woman at church who could be a mentor?

Also – God is sovereign even over this situation.

If you were putting your fiancé up as an idol in your heart, it could be that God spared you from making a huge mistake by getting married right now.  I believe that David saw that he was going to have a very painful life with you if you were being controlling and disrespectful.  I wish you had figured that out a lot earlier.  I wish he could know that you are figuring it out now.  But the past can’t be changed at this point.  And if you pursue him, it will make things so much worse!

A huge part of learning not to be controlling, in my experience, is to see the magnitude of the sovereignty of God and to trust Him and His plans for you even if and especially when they are NOT what you want.

You have to get to the place that you can say, “Not my will, but Yours be done, Lord!  I hold out everything in my life to You.  Do whatever You know is best.  Do what will bring You the most glory.  I trust You.  I know I don’t know what is best.  I know that You do.  I give You control.  I will wait on You as long as it takes.  If I have to wait right here spiritually and geographically until I am 80 years old, I will wait.  I will not run ahead of you anymore.  I will not try to be in charge anymore.  I will accept Your will and not try to force my way.  I lay down the idol of my trying to be in control and me trying to be sovereign and I accept that You alone are God, and I am not. I was wrong.  I repent and seek Your face with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind and with all my strength!”

David was right to break up with you if you were being disrespectful and controlling already.  And I believe God is going to use this time as a training ground for you to learn to be a godly woman.  I believe He will use it to prepare you for what He has in store for you in the future, and to help you learn to depend completely on Him.

He may bring David back into your life, or He may not. He may have something better planned that only He knows right now.

If you attempt to pursue David – you will push him further away.  You will only prove to him that you are still controlling and that you are idolizing him still.  He will have to come back to you on his own.  God will tell him it’s time if that is what God wants.  And you can be ready for whatever plans God has for you if you are trusting Him and depending on His Spirit to empower you to be the woman He wants you to be!

Right now, please don’t contact him.  Please don’t email him, text him, write him a letter, visit his house, go to his church or attempt to see him.  God is big enough to arrange things if He wants you back with David.

The girl’s 2nd email to me:

In a nutshell here is where I am failing (I think).

1. Idols in my heart.

2. Not trusting God.

3. Being disobedient.

4. Trying to control the situation. 

I was doing well for the past 2 months.  Its just this past week I have been acting terribly. Its almost as if in my mind I said “OK my turn now! Now things are gonna happen MY way” I am trying to take control of the situation which is making me: anxious, reckless, bitter, angry, rash… all the things Christ doesn’t want me to be. 

Idols in my heart: being in a relationship, not being alone, having someone around me to fix my problems. 

I think your right and that David was right in breaking up with me! I do think he did it to help me in a way because I did idolize him so much. And marriage. As for the way I have treated him, wow. I am so sorry to him and i just pray that the Lord will give me the opportunity to apologize someday. 

I think Jesus is really trying to bring me to Him and I am holding myself back because of a spirit of fear that I know isn’t from Him. That and a spirit of independence. “I don’t need him, I can do this on my own” which I think is from pride that I am clearly sinning in. Its just so ugly to see all this disgusting sin in my life and I just wanna break it all down and the reality of the situation is I CAN’T. Only Christ can IN me.


This is such a TOUGH situation to be in.  As women, we want to try to “reconnect” with words.  We think if we can just talk to him, just email him, just EXPLAIN ourselves, just apologize, just use a BUNCH OF WORDS – we can win our man back.

That is not how men work.  Women work that way.  A man might be able to talk his way back into his ex-girlfriend’s life and heart with smooth words.

Men do NOT want to be called once they have said the relationship is over.


– I am desperate

– I am needy

– I am not over you

– You are more important to me than my dignity or self respect

– no one else wants me (that can make you look much less valuable in his eyes)

– I don’t respect the boundaries you have set for me not to contact you

– I still think I can control you

– I probably have you as an idol in my heart


I know it is tearing your heart out and all you can think about all day long every waking moment is how you want to call him, talk to him, touch him, see him and MAKE him come back to you.

But you can’t.  The harder you try to make a man come to you, the more likely he is to stay far away.  It’s only if you stop striving and trying that there is any chance he may come back.  As he gets curious about what is going on with you and begins to miss you, or hears God’s voice telling him to call you – then he can call you – and then you can be friendly BUT BRIEF!!!!!! (we’ll talk about what to do if he does call back in tomorrow’s post!)

This will be one of your biggest tests of faith!  Deciding that God is big enough to bring that man back into your life if it is His will in the future, and waiting patiently and trusting God with your heart.

You will have many other tests later about your faith in God’s ability to lead you.  Please pass this one!  If you don’t, the tests only get MUCH more painful from here!

Our God is completely trustworthy, powerful and He is already in your future.  Time is nothing to Him.  He knows what needs to happen.  We don’t.  If we try to run ahead or take control from God, we are going to be MISERABLE!  And we may miss out on His blessings and miracles.  I pray you might learn to trust Him now!  I wish I had learned to trust Him, REALLY trust Him way before I got married!

Much love, precious sisters!

You are welcome to leave comments if you have issues or questions!

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