A man shares his thoughts about some of the issues we have been talking about on “Asking Men Questions” – I appreciate his generosity and willingness to share:
Here are my thoughts about two of the items in the lists:
1. Asking lots of questions about every detail about how he made his decision – this can easily feel like an interrogation or an inquisition to a man.
This is very true. And he’s not going to want to answer you, if he knows that you will likely criticize what he says.
Realize that men don’t ask each other lots of questions. A man is expected (by himself and by other men) to handle his own affairs. So when a woman wants to know every detail about how he made a decision, it feels like an interrogation. You need to ask in such a way that you aren’t demanding anything, you just want to know. And then be satisfied with his answer; don’t criticize what he says. But if you still have more questions, ask them. Just be non-demanding in the way you ask.
2. “What is it like to look at this from a masculine perspective?”
I really like that question. If asked that, I would feel that my opinion actually mattered to you.
3. What would bless a husband? (from Peacefulwife – I believe that a similar approach would work with a boyfriend, as well. Ladies, this gentleman is sharing the secret of how to win your men’s heart and how to be sure that he values your feelings and concerns – if you are sincere, of course. This is a treasure!)
Here is a possible scenario for your husband. He goes to work, and he spends all day working with other men. None of them ever question him; they simply respect what he does, as long as he does his job. In fact, the only conversation they have is “enjoyable” conversation — they crack jokes, they talk sports, and maybe a little politics. The key here is, he has received the respect of his coworkers (all men) all day, and had enjoyable conversation with them.
He then comes home.
Does he immediately get the third degree from you?
Here is a much better scenario:
He comes home. He is tired. He heads for his man cave, or the sofa, so that he can relax a bit after a hard day. Rather than immediately asking him a bunch of questions (and demanding answers), you instead bring him his favorite beverage and ask him if he wants to watch some TV. If he says yes, you ask him what channel he wants, and you put it on that channel, and you then hand him the remote. Perhaps you give him a five-minute shoulder massage from behind. You then give him a kiss and tell him to relax for a while. You then disappear.
I promise you that, in a half hour, when you come back and sit quietly beside him, and ask him if he has a minute, he will give you his full attention. You can then turn the TV off (if that’s ok with him — ask him). If the TV is off, ask him how his day went, and PAY ATTENTION to what he says. Don’t criticize him for anything he says. Don’t make him explain anything. Just listen, laughing if he says something funny, or empathizing if he had a rough day. After he talks, give him a big hug and a kiss, and then disappear.
From that point forward, you can go about your normal routine — supper, etc.
I guarantee you that if you do the above each night, he will be thinking about you all day while he is at work, and he will long to be home when work is finished. He will race home as soon as he can, because not only does he get the same respect from you that he got from his coworkers, but also he receives your loving attention.