I have been corresponding with a young Christian woman who fell for a man at work – a married man. He flirted with her. It was exiting for her to have his attention. Eventually, she ended up giving him oral sex in a closet at the office – and there was a lot of sensual touching as well.
Then the full weight of what she had done hit her conscience. She realized he didn’t actually have feelings for her – he didn’t belong to her – he belongs to his wife and family. She finally saw that what he had for her was only lust and what she did with him was WRONG. The damage to her soul was significant. That is what sin does – it damages us, it grieves God and separates us from Him and it deeply wounds other people, too. This man will also suffer consequences for his sin – so will his marriage, his wife and his family.
Thankfully, this man just left the office for another job recently (I praise God for that!). I think that his departure will help this sister of mine to begin to be able to heal a bit more quickly.
She is allowing me to share part of her story (in a series of her emails) – because she hopes that other women will learn from her mistakes and not follow her down this path of sin. The pain from this sin has been excruciating for my new friend these past few months. I’m grateful for her willingness to share her story. I love what God is doing in her heart to bring her to repentance and to turn back to Himself. I pray for each of you to embrace God’s wisdom and His Word because His ways are the only ones that ultimately bring true fulfillment, joy, peace and satisfaction. Nothing the world has to offer can do that.
She has accepted her own responsibility for her sin after this series of emails. She is demonstrating godly sorrow and true remorse now. That part is not included in this post. My hope is to help other women see the excruciating pain that sin causes and how it leads to death and destruction for anyone who goes down this path.
EMAIL 1 (about 3 months ago – before he left the office)
I’m still troubled with thoughts about that man unfortunately. I’m trying to make it a rule that he doesn’t occupy any of my mind when I’m at home, but haven’t succeeded well. At work I just focus on getting things done and getting home as soon as I can. It takes the mind a while to accept hard truths at times.
I know I have no right to expect him to care, he was married and didn’t belong to me, and I did awful things I regret. But feelings are not logical, are they? I was wrong to get involved, but I did, and I have feelings now that I didn’t have before, concerning him. I wish so much that I could go back to the time before all this happened, to when I believed he was a nice man, a devoted family man, a respectable person…
There will come a day when I finally accept it in my heart and that will be when I finally let it go. Sex in the world is not sex as God intended it, and I must set boundaries in my dealings with all men from now on, especially other unbelievers.
I’ve made up my mind that I will never allow myself to be alone talking to any married man again, no matter how pleasant he seems or how innocent the conversation might be. The same with single men. All the other co-workers who do my job are male, and there have been some inappropriate questions and comments from one or two of them in the past, and now I stay away from them and just do my job. Most of them are married men.
This is the only way to be safe, in my opinion. If I’d done this in the first place, I wouldn’t have so many regrets today.
I learned the hard way.
EMAIL 2 (2 weeks ago)
It was a shock that he was gone so soon, but it’s better that way. I watched him briefly as he loaded stuff from his office into his car from that room we did things – he didn’t see me. I watched him driving away and felt a lot of emotions – mainly just that terrible feeling of rejection. I had no idea I was carrying round such a lot of pain, still. Oh, I’m so GLAD he’s gone – I can heal properly now. I don’t believe I ever would’ve healed completely while he was still there. Or it would’ve taken so much longer.
I wanted to cry all afternoon after he was gone because of the sense of rejection I still felt, and seeing him again even briefly was very upsetting. If ever there was a lesson in ‘guarding your heart with all diligence’ this was it. Never again will I give any part of my body to a man outside of marriage.
The wounds are just not worth it.
Yes, God was good, in removing that man. He was merciful to me in this situation. Now I can just forget the awful business. If it had been in my power to do so, as soon as he drove away, I would’ve taken his name down from the door of his other office in my main area and thrown it in the bin. I would’ve removed his name from his pigeonhole in the mail room and I would’ve arranged for a bulldozer to come first thing Monday morning to bulldoze his old office to the ground. This is not said out of hatred but a simple desire to obliterate any memory or association with him. Unfortunately I can’t do any of these things. But I can hope that someone else will take over that old room – and transform the room by putting their own mark on it so that I don’t get the memories when I have to go in there in the future.
EMAIL 3 (last week)
I’ve been going through a lot of turmoil this week since that man left. I go to work and just want to cry and feel very upset, though I’m glad he’s gone. I don’t fully understand it but seem to be having some reaction to his going.
I was wondering if I’ll ever be able to fully leave this behind while I’m still in the place where it all happened. He’s gone but there are a lot of things and places which trigger memories. Places I avoid at work because of strong associations with him.The room where we did things is the one I find even more upsetting now that he left. It has its own particular smell and even just opening the door takes me back.Also seeing other employees he regularly had contact
with, around the place.
It feels like he never left, really. It still seems like he’s there. I still look round warily in case I bump into him though there’s no chance of that now.And seeing the place where he used to work, which I look out on from my main work area.And even going out of the gates of the office is a minefield because I look directly across to the street where he lives (he lives two minutes away). I’m waiting at a different bus stop now because I’d often see him out jogging in the evenings.When I had a week’s leave it all started to fade but I had to return and it all came back.I need to find other work to supplement my income so will look for that in the new year but I do wonder if I should leave this environment with so many memories and associations.
EMAIL 4 (this week)
Lust truly does make fools of people with no self-control.
Enough about him now.
I just think that if I could cope with rejection better, these feelings would have subsided a long time ago. I think rejection issues cause feelings to be out of proportion to the actual, or even perceived, rejection the person experiences. That’s what happened with me, I believe. Having said what I said above, I do think that in the sexual area, even people without rejection issues can suffer emotionally when they have sex outside of marriage.
Sex is unique, I believe, in this respect. I think this is because of a hormone God created, called oxytocin, that causes bonding in people. I believe He created it for the marriage relationship, and the relationship between mother and child. And I believe He created it because He knew that without it, people would find it harder to stay committed to each other.
But the downside to it is, if people indulge in fornication or adultery (let’s call things by their proper biblical names!) the hormone is still released, and an unholy bond occurs, which causes deep pain when the two people part. People weren’t MEANT to part after sex!
This lesson has been burned into me so deeply now I truly think it will be enough to keep me on the narrow path concerning sex. I like to think so anyway. But anyone can fall. But I’m far less likely to fall now.
Sin wounds people. It always causes pain. Sin always has a STEEP price tag in our relationships with people and with God and in our own hearts and minds. This man did not escape without wounds from his sin either. And if his wife knew about his sin – she would be devastated. Of course, the sin is going to cause this wife and marriage hardship, difficulty, pain and destruction whether she knows about it or not. Both the man and woman here are equally guilty before God. The painful consequences will continue on even after she has repented and turned back to Christ. There are emotional, spiritual and physical consequences of sexual sin for men and women. We lose fellowship with God. We hurt our relationships with others. We may suffer from diseases (STDs). We hurt our future marriages. We have an ungodly bond with someone who is not our spouse.
God gives us the commands He gives us for OUR benefit – not His. He wants to give us the most joyful, fulfilling lives. He wants to spare us from great pain. His commands are wise and they are good. We are blessed when we obey Him even when the rest of the world does not.
God is able to forgive sin. There is no sin too horrible that God cannot forgive. I’m SO THANKFUL! We ALL desperately need the blood of Jesus to cover our sin. If you want to learn how you can receive His forgiveness, how you can be with God in heaven and how He can give you a new heart and a new mind and a new life here and now, please let me know!
I Corinthians 6:
12 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13 You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
I John 1:
5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6 If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.
My favorite Psalm about repentance is King David’s Psalm 51 when he repented from committing adultery with Bathsheba and for arranging for her husband to be killed. Then the baby that David and Bathsheba had together died as a result of God’s judgment on David for his sin – according to God’s Word.
This is a beautiful pattern for us to follow as we repent of our sin, too.
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
3For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
4Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
5Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.
7Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
10Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
so that sinners will turn back to you.
14Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
you who are God my Savior,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15Open my lips, Lord,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17My sacrifice, O God, isb a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.
18May it please you to prosper Zion,
to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
in burnt offerings offered whole;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
If you have a situation you want to talk about – you are welcome to share. We will prayerfully hash through it together – and I will do my best to point you to Christ and His Word – that is the only source of truth and healing.