I have had a few disturbing emails from Christian men and women who have gotten married and then refuse to have sex with their own spouse – for years – maybe forever. Sometimes these people have been molested or sexually abused as children. Sexual abuse/rape/etc requires MAJOR help and long term Christian counseling by a very experienced person many times. And it would certainly would require much prayer, study and HARD/PAINFUL work to heal. This kind of serious baggage does not go away by itself and it can easily create catastrophic damage in marriage.
But other times the issue is that they were taught in church or by their parents that sex is “dirty” under any and all circumstances. NO!!! How terrible! That just breaks my heart.
THE TRUTH ABOUT SEX IN MARRIAGE
This attitude – that sex is dirty in marriage – is NOT from God at all.
Sex is HOLY and GODLY in marriage.
God created sex for marriage. He called it good. The book of Song of Solomon is all about God blessing the sexual relationship of a married couple.
Not having sex in marriage is actually sinful and ungodly (I Cor 7).
We are to abstain from sex OUTSIDE of marriage because that is sinful and destructive. But INSIDE marriage, sex is the most holy and sacred part of the whole relationship. Satan’s goal is to try to tempt us to have sex when God says not to and NOT to have sex when God says to have it. Whatever is the opposite of God’s design – that is what Satan will try to entice us to do.
Sex represents the spiritual union of Christ and His church – it represents the spiritual oneness we have with Jesus and the way we accept Him into our hearts and into ourselves and are united with Him in one Spirit.
The attitude that sex is always dirty is a lie from the enemy. God designed sex to be good, a blessing, holy, pleasurable and mutually fulfilling in marriage. He designed sex to be an emotional/spiritual/physical glue that creates and promotes unity, intimacy and connection in marriage. Sex helps to cover over the little bumps and bruises of life and helps a married couple become more like Christ towards each other and their children.
I pray for all the strongholds of the enemy to be torn down in our hearts, for God to open our eyes to His truth and for each of to find freedom, power, strength and courage to yield ourselves completely to God’s plan. I pray we will call things God says are good, “good,” and that we will call things God says are sin, “bad.” I pray we will not mix up what is actually right and wrong according to our holy God.
When it is CLOSE to time to get married (within a month or two maybe – if you read them too soon, it could present too much temptation), check out some of these books/sites:
– Intended for Pleasure
– Song of Solomon study by Tommy Nelson
If you are dating a Christian guy who seems to have ZERO struggle with lust and doesn’t have any issue with not being able to have sex yet with you at all – that could be a red flag that there might be problems later in marriage. A normal, healthy guy should WANT to have sex with his girlfriend/fiance and will battle against himself to fight the temptation in order to preserve both of their purity. If there is NO desire in him for sex at all – I would recommend counseling with a Christian counselor who is familiar with sexual issues and be sure you understand what is going on before signing up for a life of celibacy in marriage. This is usually an uncommon thing for men, but it can and does happen occasionally.
GRACE IS AVAILABLE!
If you and/or your boyfriend/fiance have given in to sexual temptation – God freely offers forgiveness and grace.
God forgives sinners! I’m so thankful! We are ALL sinners and we ALL desperately need Jesus.