Sexual Fantasy and Masturbation|Peaceful Single Girl

A question from the woman I have been talking to who has graciously allowed me to share her story (One Woman’s Regrets, Do I Use Men Instead of Loving Them in a Godly Way?) – her words are in black, mine are in blue.

HER FIRST EMAIL ON THIS TOPIC

This topic’s going to be a bit more personal, sorry. But it’s something everyone’s struggled with, except asexual people, maybe.

Perhaps asexual people are the ‘born eunuchs’ that Jesus referred to? I’ve often wondered.

Ever since I’ve realised on a deep level that sex is for marriage only, I’ve lost my interest in solo sex. That is to say, my sex drive hasn’t gone away (though it’s not high anyway) but I find now I can’t bring myself to practice solo sex any more.

The church teaches that it’s wrong but it doesn’t say why.
The Bible itself seems to be silent on the subject.
The best argument I’ve heard against it is that sex is designed to be a shared activity with your spouse not a solo activity for our own gratification.

That’s fair enough. But I’m going to share something different.

I think once one KNOWS how sex should be ( to be practiced lovingly as an act of giving to the one you’re completely committed to) then it doesn’t seem right to do this.

That’s the same as what I said above. But with women in particular, with this kind of activity, unclean fantasies pretty much always accompany it. It does with me.

And the fantasies (for me) involve acts which are degrading, which in real life, if played out, would result in a man going to jail and a woman having to see a counsellor to overcome the trauma. The fantasies in general involve sex acts outside of marriage when people do this kind of activity.

So this would be in direct opposition to what I claim I believe about God’s view of sex. Which is why it’s suddenly become rather distasteful to me now. And I don’t want to do it any more.

I sure hope this new feeling stays with me for life, that it’s not just a blip, and that lust will lead me back down that path again in future. If I keep in mind how sex should be, hopefully that won’t happen.

I also think that sex has become an idol in our society. Why is there so much attention paid to sex? It’s pleasurable, but so is food – but food doesn’t rank as high as sex does in the attention stakes.

What do you think of this ‘sea change’?

Do you think this could help other women struggling in this area?

FROM PEACEFULWIFE

This is something that almost everyone struggles with, from my understanding.

Yes, asexual people those who don’t have testosterone or properly formed genitals… yes, could be “born eunuchs.”

The Bible doesn’t talk about masturbation. You are correct.

It does talk about lust being sin. So – if masturbation involves lust – then, it is clearly sin.

The fantasies you are describing sound extremely destructive. Are these fantasies coming from porn? Do you know where they originated?

I am thrilled that you realize the sinful nature of those fantasies. It is obvious that God’s Spirit is working in your heart to hate what He hates and to love what He loves and to see things from His perspective. 🙂

This isn’t about “depriving ourselves” but about honoring Christ.

YES! Sex is a huge idol in our society, as is romance, wealth, beauty, thinness, the list goes on and on and on.

Food is also an idol in our culture- look at the obesity rates. People turn to food for comfort. Many people live to eat.

Any time we put something that is not Jesus on the throne of our hearts – that thing will destroy us. God will not allow us to find satisfaction or contentment in anything but Himself. That is a blessing!

ANOTHER EMAIL:

There is no real violence in my fantasies – it’s basically being coerced into having sex with a strange man. There’s no violence, it’s more like a seduction. It’s still unclean, not sex as God intended, and involves lust, so it’s wrong.

I’ve never been exposed to porn and these kinds of fantasies are very common to women for a variety of reasons, I’ve read. I did look at porn earlier this year but found it a total turn off.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

Any time we are “lusting in our hearts” after someone – Jesus calls that sin, or “adultery.” Matthew 5:

27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’^e 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

The Bible is silent about masturbation. I don’t want to condemn something as sin if God’s Word does not condemn it.

But if lust accompanies masturbation – then, that is clearly sin. Also, masturbation can easily become an addiction, a compulsion – and it can be extremely difficult to break that addiction. It is God’s will that only Christ should be our Master, that we should not be addicted to anything. This would apply to using porn as well. I don’t believe it is possible to use porn or view it without lusting. This is something that is extremely addictive, extremely toxic and something that believers would do well to completely avoid.

Are there some situations where masturbation might not be sin? Possibly.

Here are some passages that I believe are helpful for this issue:

I Corinthians 6:

12 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13 You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”^b 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.^c

18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Also, I Thessalonians 4:

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4that each of you should learn to control your own body^a in a way that is holy and honorable, 5 not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; 6and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. 7 For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. 8 Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.

And Colossians 3:5-11:

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.^b 7 You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8 But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 11Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

Ephesians 4:17-24

So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18 They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19 Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.

20 That, however, is not the way of life you learned 21 when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Ephesians 5:1-21

1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.[a] 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them.8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. 14 This is why it is said:

“Wake up, sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”

15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

God calls us as disciples in Christ to live lives of chastity.

That means that we don’t just physically avoid sexual contact with someone’s genitals – we honor the marriage bed and God’s design and intentions for sex to be holy in marriage with our thoughts, our hearts, our attitudes, our words and our actions.

God is interested in us doing the right thing for the right reason. He is interested in our motives.

Motives that are pure in God’s sight are to:

honor and obey God
please God
love God
respect and fear God
love, bless and respect others

Any other motives are probably sinful and destructive.

The question then is not, “How close can I get to sin before it is sin in God’s eyes?”

The question is, “How can I most honor Christ and bless others in this area?”

Submitting Sexual Desire to the Lord

Sexual Immorality Leads Away from Marriage

John Piper addresses the pain of sexual sin before marriage in the middle of this sermon – VERY HELPFUL http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/sexual-relations-in-marriage