This is an email from a precious friend of mine. If your husband is saying things like this – it means he is probably feeling deeply wounded in your marriage. Please keep in mind that men need respect like women need love. (Ephesians 5:22-33 and Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs).
If a man does not feel respected, he cannot feel loved
————————————————
These are a few things that my husband has said to me over the years that should have given me a big clue but I somehow dismissed the significance.
- “I do not need you to tell me what to do.”
- “I am a grown man”.
- “I hear this every month when you get ready to start your period.”
- “You worry over EVERYTHING, Honey.”
- “You never believe me when I tell you things”.
- “Have a little faith in me.”
- “Do you not even believe in me that much?”
- “I can’t please you. If I don’t do what you want, you are unhappy. If I do what you want, you say I am only doing it because you told me to.”
- “I can’t win here.”
- “I am in a no win situation.”
- “It is the same thing, over and over with you.”
- “What hurts me the most is that you don’t trust me with the kids.” (I know he would NEVER let anything happen to our children. I just wish he was more cautious with them. STILL and issue I am going to have to confront it at some point but I need to deal with simply letting go first).
- “No man wants to be without respect.”
- “Trust me.”
- “You always believe the worst about me.”
- “No man wants to be talked to like that.” (in reference to a couple we know)
- “She talks to him like a dog.” (in reference to a couple we know)
- “I told you I would take care of it.”
- “You don’t believe me when I DO compliment you.”
Just thinking about those tells me that he was not content in the way things were and I sure wasn’t either because it was not working.… and for the record, I do not think he acted completely without sin- I do not believe it is ALL my fault and I know you would agree that with that- that we both have committed wrongs (From Peacefulwife – ABSOLUTELY! Husbands and wives both usually sin plenty against each other. There is almost never one person who is 100% innocent.) And I STILL don’t know how this is going to work out. I don’t know what the coming months will bring.
————————————————————
FROM PEACEFULWIFE
Some other signs your man is likely feeling disrespected (some of these things can be signs of other significant issues, but many times the core issue is a man feels disrespected):
- clenching his jaw
- a hurt look in his face
- his countenance falls
- he shuts down verbally
- he leaves the room suddenly for “no reason”
- he gets angry “out of nowhere” and you can’t understand why
- he unplugs from you
- he becomes very emotionally distant
- he doesn’t respond to your texts/calls
- he begins spending a lot more time watching tv, working on projects, working overtime
- he says, “I feel disrespected.” (please believe him! You would want him to believe you if you said, “I feel unloved.”)
- he pulls away and doesn’t share his heart anymore with you
- He starts talking about “some tangent” when you are trying to make him do something he doesn’t want to do.Some more things men/husbands tend to say when they feel very disrespected by their women
He says things like:
- “It’s impossible to please you.”
- “You think you are always right.”
- “My opinion doesn’t even matter around here.”
- “Your family (or best friend or church) is more important than I am to you.”
- “Why do you even ask me what I think? You never listen to me.”
- “I’m not a priority to you anymore.”
- “You’re smothering me.”
- “You act like you’re my mother.”
- “I’m not a child.”
- “Stop treating me like I’m a child.”
- “I’m not an idiot.” “I’m not stupid.”
- “Let me figure it out.”
- “Who cares what I think, you’re just going to do what you want to do anyway.”
- “I’m just a meal ticket to you.”
- “You can’t just demand time/affection/attention from me.”
- “I’d rather be at work than here.”
- “I can’t take all of your drama anymore.”
- “No man could love you like you want to be loved. Not even Jesus!”
- “Why can’t you just be happy?”
- “You worry way too much. Stop worrying.”
- “Why are you so negative?”
- “Why do you complain all the time?”
- “Oh, here we go again!”
- “Why do you have to be like this?”
- “Why should I be more involved with you? You’re just going to undermine everything I say.”
- “How can I be a leader if you won’t follow?”
- “You say you want me to lead, but you won’t let me lead.”
- “You want to control me.”
- “It has to be your way or no way.”
- “You think you are so high and mighty.”
- “Go ahead, have it your way!”
- “Don’t come to me when everything falls apart.”
WHAT CAN A WOMAN DO?
Well, I believe that arguing with a man when he feels disrespected is only going to escalate and inflame the situation.
You would not appreciate it if you tried to explain to your man that you feel unloved – and he argued with you that you shouldn’t feel that way or he explained the reasons he thinks you shouldn’t feel unloved – or WORSE – if he said, “You don’t deserve to be loved.”
Men are very much the same.
Arguing with them that they shouldn’t feel disrespected, or WORSE – that they don’t deserve respect – is going to make things much worse.
When you see your man shut down or become angry suddenly and you don’t know why, try asking,
“Did I do/say something disrespectful just now?” And if you did say something like, “I am SO sorry. Please forgive me. I don’t ever want you to feel disrespected by me.” Do not justify or explain yourself. Just apologize – if he says that you were disrespectful to him.
AN ASSIGNMENT
I’d like you to watch your man’s facial expressions this week when you talk to him. If you see his face suddenly fall – if you see he suddenly seems to be in emotional pain – STOP what you are saying and recognize, is it possible he feels disrespected by you?
Whether there is a special man in your life right now or not, I’d like you to watch the interactions of couples around you. Watch the guy. Notice his body language and his facial expressions – especially when his lady is criticizing him, making fun of him, tearing him down, telling him what to do, complaining, arguing or being negative toward him. See the pain in his face.
Once you begin to recognize disrespect and how men react – you will quickly realize that it is EVERYWHERE. There is a FAMINE of respect for men in our culture.
It’s time for us to change that, my precious sisters in Christ!
RELATED:
What Does Respect Look Like to Men?