Today’s guest post is by Kayla Gulick, my dear friend and sister in Christ. Check out her blog at www.lessonsofmercy.wordpress.com. I think you are about to have your mind blown. So be sure you are sitting down for this one, ladies!
Almost every little (and big) girl dreams of finding her “soul mate”. I suppose there are some exceptions out there, so I won’t call this a hard and fast rule, however, MOST females imagine how wonderful life would be if they could just get their fairytale. I’ll go so far as to say, many women spend so much of their life in disappointment because the expectations they built up in their mind just simply never come to pass even if they get married and have children.
Let me tell you about an expectation I had before I got married. It was your typical fairytale love story, that ended up being smashed to a million pieces by the fact that life is not magical nor imaginary so perfection never comes to pass.
I had this idea that once I found someone to marry, I would be the very center of his world, constantly. I expected him to be obsessed with me. Always falling all over himself looking for ways to serve me, buy me things, make me smile, get me to laugh, show me how beautiful he thinks I am, and get me in the sack.
After all, that is what happens on the movies AND I’ll one up the situation with the fact that most women (even Christian wives) complain about how their husband wants sex all the time and they are so annoyed.
Guess what. My husband isn’t obsessed with me.
He loves me. He’s faithful to me. He would bend over backward to protect me from harm. He is happy in our marriage. He serves me in numerous ways. He provides for our family. And He’s committed to making decisions that are best for me.
But – he has other people in his life too.
- First off all, what he feels God is calling him to comes before my opinions and feelings. (That’s a GREAT thing that God is first in his life… but that doesn’t change the fact that I still wasn’t prepared to be second in my marriage.)
- He is the father to our four kids.
- He has friends in his life.
- He has (gasp) his own interests and hobbies. He has is own television preferences.
- He even has different goals than I do – ack!
Basically what I’m telling you is that, his life doesn’t revolve around me. I’m not the center of his universe. His primary goal is not to make sure I feel like the sexiest woman on the planet every moment of every day.
Do you know that at first, this made me really mad. I thought for the first couple years of our marriage something was seriously wrong with him. I mean, what did he think he was supposed to do when he got married? What kind of a man was he anyway?
I hadn’t yet realized that my unrealistic expectations were the problem, not his actions.
Do you know what gave me my wake up call???
Probably not what you’re thinking.
It was this.
A situation arose within my line of vision where a couple I knew (who were very much in love and committed to each other and to God) were married for MANY years, when suddenly one spouse died and the other spouse re-married someone else in less than a year.
I was floored. How in the world could they have ever been in love at all? I mean… weren’t they soul mates?
Check this – the big punch in the gut.
29 Jesus replied, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. 30 At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.
Put that up against Romans 7:1-3
7 Do you not know, brothers and sisters—for I am speaking to those who know the law—that the law has authority over someone only as long as that person lives? 2 For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law that binds her to him. 3 So then, if she has sexual relations with another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress if she marries another man.
I wasn’t prepared to understand that at first. It actually really hurt me. BAD. I couldn’t wrap my mind around being consumed in passionate love with my husband and him not be my soul mate?!
I mean, my husband was MY EVERYTHING! And I’m suppose to accept that once we die and go to heaven, we aren’t “one” anymore? There isn’t any of this (like the songs sing about) one of us waiting for the other to arrive???
I started to realize that my husband had a higher place in my life than he should.
My husband was actually my “God.” He had WAY too much control over me. And not because he was trying to be controlling in the least. Because I had created an eternal soul mate relationship with my husband, when truly, the ONLY person who can have that place in my heart, who won’t disappoint, and who I’m promised to be with forever is Jesus.
- You see, Jesus does pursue me EVERY MINUTE of EVERY DAY!
- He think I’m beautiful – constantly.
- He never leaves me nor forsakes me.
- He laid down His life for mine.
- He is concerned with everything I’m feelings and I can’t overwhelm Him with words. In fact, He wishes I’d talk to Him even more than I do.
I can’t imagine how freeing this must have been or my husband when I started to release him from being an idol in my life. I could finally let go of all my constant anger and disappointment that he wasn’t living up to what I thought he should be living up to.
Practical Application –
Today might be a good day to sit down and evaluate who has the #1 spot in your life?
Are you upset and disappointed by your man (or someone else) often? Think about why. Is it because he is intentionally hurting you, or because you have some expectations of how a good man would act and he is falling short?
Find a godly woman to talk to about this if you’re realizing that this truth is really hurting you right now. (Believe me, I was devastated when I first realized this!)