A woman asked me to do a post about “toxic guys” – how to avoid them and how to get over them.
Well, that is actually a lot more simple than it may seem. Not easy if you are not currently living completely for Christ – but it is simple.
1. Seek God first!!!!
2. Ask God to change YOU to be the woman of His dreams! Be a godly woman. Be prepared to be a godly wife! Learn what godly femininity is and ask God to regenerate your heart and soul and mind for His glory.
3. Seek only godly men. Do NOT think you can change a guy. Find a man who is already living boldly for Christ.
WHAT IS A “TOXIC GUY”? – Here is my definition!
Any guy who is friends with the world – who is living for himself and for pleasure and for the moment – not living to please and obey God.
Any guy who does not have a real, living, intimate relationship with Christ.
Any guy who doesn’t have the fruit of God’s Spirit in his life on a pretty regular basis: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.
(PS – I define “toxic girls” the same way.)
LIVE IN A WAY THAT HONORS GOD (PS – THIS ALSO ATTRACTS GODLY MEN – BUT, your motive has to be only to please Jesus, not to snag a guy!):
- Your heart has got to belong 100% to Jesus and you’ve got to be feasting on His Word daily as often as possible, hungering for Him, desiring Him far more than anything or anyone on earth. Jesus must be LORD and MASTER of your life. You will develop sensitivity to His Spirit as you abide in Him – allowing His Word to remain in you and you remain in His love.
- Desire to obey God’s Word with joy – no matter how great the seeming “cost” is at the time.
- Reject the world’s wisdom and “riches.” Question every idea you have learned from the world – and many times, you will have to question most of what you learned in church and trash anything and everything that does not line up with the truth of God’s Word.
- It may be generally wise not to have close guy “friends” who are not strong believers in Christ. It is easy to fall for guys you are friends with.
- Seek to have close friends (girls and guys) who are very committed to Christ and who have repented of their sin, realize they are wretched sinners and understand how much they need the grace of Christ.
- Look past the wardrobe, the paycheck, the kind of job, the type of car, the kind of house and the stuff a guy has. Don’t let material possessions count for much!
- Look past his appearance and get to know his heart.
- Watch how he treats his mom and dad, his siblings, the waitress, the cashier, the customer service rep at the store, homeless people on the street… does he portray Christ consistently?
- Observe how he responds to people when he is angry. Be VERY wary of a guy who cannot control his temper. The fruit of the Spirit produces gentleness and patience. Now, a guy may very occasionally lose his temper – but apologize and repent – that is one thing. But if you have a man who gets violent or goes into fits of rage or can’t calm down, can’t walk away, begins to make threats or try to intimidate you physically – please use great caution and seek godly counsel ASAP!
- A guy who is committed to Christ will desire to honor your virginity, chastity, virtue and sexuality. He will seek to protect you from himself. He will not force himself on you. He will be trustworthy and will seek not to take you to a place where temptation would be great. He will be willing to be accountable to your father or pastor. He will be willing to have accountability software on his phone and computer if he has struggled with pornography and repented of it. He will be willing to go to great lengths to show you that he honors your body and your desire to be chaste and he will appreciate your desire to protect his chastity, as well. One point of clarification here – if you have a guy who NEVER struggles with desiring you physically at all and seems totally unphased by sexual temptation – that can actually be a problem. A godly guy will desire to honor you – but he will fight a huge struggle in himself the closer you get to marriage – with desiring to touch and kiss you and to go farther than that. A man who seems completely fine with no touch and no kissing and has zero issues ever – big red flag! You normally will both have a battle with lust and really anticipate your wedding night once you are committed to marrying each other, seeking victory through Christ.
- A guy who is dedicated to Christ may pray with you out loud – or he may not. The main thing is – is he praying privately and growing in Christ on his own?
- A guy who is dedicated to Christ will respect your family and desire to honor them – he will not want to drive a wedge between you and your family.
- A guy who is living for Christ will generally want to be with other believers and will want to go to church with you – maybe not the specific church you like, but a Bible-teaching church.
- A guy who is seeking Christ with all his heart will want to be in His Word just about every day and will probably want to talk about the Bible and spiritual things and get to know your heart and want to know about your faith in Christ and who you are on a soul and heart level.
- A guy who is seeking Christ will be thankful for your desire to dress and act modestly so he can focus on your personality and heart and not be distracted by clothes that reveal your body.
- Any advice that a real disciple of Christ gives you should line up almost all the time with God’s Word.
GETTING OVER A TOXIC GUY:
Most of the time, an ungodly romantic relationship involves idolatry of some type and sin of various descriptions.
- Ask God to examine your heart to see if this guy was an idol for you (more important to you than intimacy with Christ), or see if the idea of being in a committed relationship might be an idol, or the idea of an engagement ring, a wedding or getting married or having children might be idols. Were you looking to this guy to meet needs that only Christ can actually meet? Tear out every idol by the root and determine to find contentment in Christ alone! This involves dying to self and taking every thought captive for Christ.
- Even a godly man CAN be “toxic” for you if he is not interested in you but you don’t want to let go of your feelings for him or if you make having him an idol in your heart. Cling to Jesus, hold everything else very loosely in this life. Give God freedom to give and take away according to His wisdom.
- Lust may have been involved on your side or his side if you fell for an ungodly guy or if you were living an ungodly life. Repent of any lust if you fell to that temptation and allow Jesus’ blood to cover your sin.
- If he was controlling – he may have been very smooth with his words, but began to control who you could talk to and maybe started to isolate you from your friends. He may have played mind games or used words to get you to do what he wanted – not really meaning the loving words he said. Realize that your purpose in life is to please GOD first, then a godly man. But if the guy wants things that conflict with God’s Word, you must choose God over the guy!
- The more you gave yourself physically to him – the more difficult it will be to get over him. But even if you were not physical with him, you may have felt very emotionally bonded to him – and it will take time to grieve and heal. But remember that it is ultimately a HUGE BLESSING of God that you are not with that destructive man any more! PRAISE GOD for His wisdom and blessing you by not allowing you to continue in a poisonous relationship that would have hurt your intimacy with Christ!
Repent of any sin.
THANK GOD that He helped you see what you are doing and the destructive path you were on with a man who was living in disobedience to Christ.
Seek godly friendships and a godly mentor (female).
Controlling Guys may play the “disrespect” card