Here is a comment from JC, a Christian single man in his late 20s, that I believe would be a healthy and godly way for us as women to look at men we are interested in:
So, one “romantic fantasy” I’ve heard from women I actually find commendable (even if it’s expressed in questionable ways): the one where she’s interested in a relationship to become interested in sharing an adventure as it were. I think that’s great. I mean, of course it comes with a lot of other benefits as a man is able to give and provide; cowardly femininity is “provide and protect me” and keep me from every bump in the road in life, but femininity expressed with courage is like the Proverbs 31 woman who laughs at the hard days to come.
The biggest benefit her husband provides is his leadership for a purpose, just as ALL of us should crave a higher purpose than simply subsisting and self-gratification. So, I think that can be expressed in looking for a spouse–that is, after all, why we are encouraged to look for a BELIEVING spouse, right? Because they are coworkers for a higher purpose.
So if a woman yearns for a godly man because she wants to be involved in his work–which might even be a MORE dangerous path!–well, that’s not unlike our choice to follow Christ who provides and protects but also takes us on a path of risk, danger, sacrifice, with lasting rewards to follow!
So if a woman wants THAT from a man–to join and serve with him on his “adventure” for God and all that that entails–I think that’s a godly romance, and indicates a woman of courage. Of course that includes mutual love and service like the Body of Christ.
When you are prayerfully considering whether to marry a man (please only choose a man who loves Christ and lives for Him, who desires to submit to Him and His Word and obey Him.)
There are some questions that I believe would be wise to ask yourself and to ask him over time (not all at once, and it may be best to bring some of these things up only after he starts talking about marriage first):
- What is his dream for his life?
- What is his dream for his career?
- What is his dream for ministry?
- What lifestyle does he want to live?
- Where does he want to live?
- What are his priorities?
- What are his goals?
- What is important to him?
- Does he want his wife to work or stay home?
- What is his dream for marriage?
- What is his parents’ marriage like?
- What expectations does he have for a wife?
Then – ask yourself if you can support him in those endeavors and come alongside him, moving in the direction he is moving in, and respect him and be his partner on the path he believes God has for him.
Some of these questions, he may not have the answers to himself quite yet. That is ok. Especially younger men may still be “finding themselves” and figuring out their calling and their career goals/dreams. Then, the question will be, can you be flexible and support him whatever direction he believes God wants him to go in the future?
Really, the question of being flexible is ALWAYS an important one for us as believers. As we die to self, we allow God to move us and direct us in our lives – so we don’t get attached to particular goals or plans, knowing that God can and will sometimes change them for His glory. That has to be ok.
One of my favorite Bible teachers at our church likes to say, “The most important ability is flexibility.”
I believe that this approach to men would be honoring to them and to God. Please keep in mind that if God is calling one spouse to something, He is calling both spouses to the same thing. If you believe you are called to be a missionary in Romania, but the man you want to marry doesn’t feel that call – it is not your job to make him feel called to go with you to Romania. God’s Spirit calls people, we do not. In my view, if you truly believe you are to marry a man, you will adapt yourself to his calling by God, not the other way around. Your calling will need to fit with his calling – I hope that makes sense.
Are you willing and able to follow him in HIS calling?
That doesn’t mean you won’t have a calling, too! But your calling will not take away from his calling, but will add to it for the benefit and blessing of the marriage and the body of Christ.
I’d like to see us focus primarily on becoming the godly women Jesus desires us to be as His disciples, and to focus on what will honor Christ, not so much “what is in it for me?”
Let’s think about, “What do I bring to the table if a godly man were to marry me?”
- How can I bless him and assist him in his calling and ministry and career?
- How can I learn to be content without a lot of material luxuries and focus on finding contentment in Christ?
- How can I develop a thankful, selfless heart?
- How can I escape the materialism of our culture?
- How can I learn to properly respect a man who will be my husband?
- How can I practice honoring those in positions of authority over me now and submitting to my boss and church leaders and teachers in God-honoring ways?
- How can I better submit myself fully to Christ?
- What does God want to change in my own heart and life?
- What sins do I need to address? Pride? Idolatry of self? Fear? A desire to try to be in control? Do I understand God’s sovereignty and rest in that in faith?
- How can I better love those around me with I Corinthians 13:4-8 love?
- How can I learn to look at others the way God does?
We have a serious issue with entitlement in our culture that I hope to further address soon. But a great first step for us is to begin to look for God’s will, His glory and to begin to look at life from the perspective of the godly men around us. What do they need? What would bless them?
Here are a couple of truths to wrap our minds around:
- God does not “owe” us anything.
- Men do not owe us anything.
- The government does not owe us anything.
The world says, “We DESERVE the best and nicest of everything!”
That is not true!
What we deserve according to the holy God and Creator of the universe is – judgement and condemnation.
- We are all sinners. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23
- The wages of sin is death. But the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23
What we earned – our paycheck that we deserve – is death.
God owes us nothing. As sinners, we have no “rights” before a holy God.
Everything He gives to us is GRACE. Unmerited, undeserved favor. He gives MUCH to us out of the generosity of His heart. Let’s respond with continual thankfulness and joy!
Let’s practice contentment the way God desires us to – I Timothy 6:6-10
But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.
Let’s make this our way of life! If I have God, food for today and clothes on my back – I can be content!
This is God’s will for me.
Much love to each of you! I am praying for you to become the women God desires you to be for His greatest glory!