My guy is not super big on expressing gushy, emotional words. This used to bother me because *ahem* I am a pretty major “words” kind of girl.
I used to try to get him to write long love letters for me and try to make him tell me he loved me and give me compliments. Turns out, coercion is not a very motivating approach for a guy to profess his love.
Honestly, I wouldn’t have appreciated anything he said or wrote after I had just pressured him about it. He and I would have both known those words would have been hollow if he felt coerced to say them.
Men often have a different way of showing love
Here’s what I have learned about my particular man, and I think it may be true of a lot of men:
He believes in showing love in action and he believes that words are pretty cheap. Now that I understand his heart and his masculine perspective a lot better, I see the beauty and wisdom of his approach.
If he wants to give me compliments or write me love letters, that’s great. But now I see that he does even more than that when he:
Runs by the store to get something I need.
- Fixes my car issues
- Runs by the store to pick up things I need.
- Helps my dad with house projects and pool maintenance.
- Cuddles with me and plays with my hair while we watch TV together.
- Gives me a hug randomly for no reason.
- Fixes all of my computer problems and IT stuff.
- Hoses the bird poo off of the front porch under the bird nest.
I used to miss the ways Greg showed me love—because I only counted love the way I wanted him to show it. Sadly, I missed out on so much!
Now I receive the love he gives me joyfully
Now I don’t try to force him to do anything. I respect his decisions and his free-will.
I am already filled up with Jesus every day so I am already content in life and overflowing with peace and joy. I am not desperate for my man to do anything for me. I have no desire to control him. I only want to enjoy him.
These days, I appreciate every little thing he does and I view each act of kindness, thoughtfulness, and selflessness as a romantic gift from him. I try to clearly show my gratitude and not miss anything he does for me.
I have found that when I respond with delight and joy when he does things for me, he wants to do more wonderful things for me. Not because I manipulated him into it or tried to make him do it, but because he loves to be my hero.
Most men who are remotely emotionally healthy, believe it or not, really do love to see that their women are happy (Shaunti Feldhahn has actual statistics on this in, “For Women Only”).
My husband stopped doing a lot of things for me years ago when it became obvious that I was going to be upset no matter how hard he tried.
But when he saw it was actually possible to please me and that I appreciated his efforts, things slowly began to change for the better for both of us.
He still doesn’t say words of love a lot or give me many compliments. But he shows me so much love in tangible ways by what he does that I don’t feel deprived at all. I rest in his love and most of all, I rest in God’s love for me.
My encouragement for you
If you want to, you can cheerfully say, “I feel so loved when you give me compliments, tell me you love me, or write me love letters.” And then you can let it go. Let him decide what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, and the ways he feels comfortable showing love to you.
If your man tells you he loves you, that is wonderful! Enjoy it. But more than what he says, look at what he does! Words can easily be said without any sacrifice or cost.
Some guys are pretty talented at being charming and knowing what to say to get a girl to feel loved but those same guys often don’t know how to really love a girl properly.
Does your man show you love by doing thoughtful, sweet things for you? Every guy is not a DIYer or a handyman. But every guy has his own special way of showing love in tangible ways. His actions reveal a lot more about his love for you than his words.
Perhaps this perspective will be a blessing to some of my dear sisters.