We talked in my last post about 6 times when we may need to prayerfully consider breaking (or minimizing) contact with others.
Of course, breaking contact completely is a pretty extreme response and should be reserved for certain situations as a last resort. It shouldn’t be our go-to response for most issues as it can cause a lot of unnecessary damage if we use it when it is not needed.
But what if it the scenario is a bit different?
If you believe that a situation is harmful to your man or your relationship, you do have the ability (and sometimes the responsibility) to share your concerns with him.
We have an incredible ability as women to influence our men for good or for evil.
You are not required by God to submit to your boyfriend or fiance’s leadership before marriage. But hopefully, you can practice having a cooperative spirit, not a contentious one.
In biblical times, the only pre-marriage relationship was betrothal, which was as legally binding as marriage, and then marriage, which was official after consummation.
NOTE – the whole betrothal and marriage picture in the Old Testament and New Testament portray what Jesus does for His people, the church, and His relationship with us. It’s so beautiful! We become “betrothed” to Jesus as part of the Body of Christ when we receive Him as our Savior and Lord. The Wedding Supper of the Lamb does not happen until we are in heaven with Him.
It’s a good thing for us to share our hearts and minds with our guys in healthy ways – before and after marriage.
The key here is to share respectfully and with right motives.
I am writing for women who genuinely want to live for Christ and who are dating/engaged to men who wholeheartedly want to live for Christ as Lord, as well.
I can’t force my way, but I can make requests and suggestions.
If there is a good bit of mutual love and respect between us, my man will probably care a lot about my feelings and concerns. He will prayerfully weigh my words. He trusts me and will be concerned if something is causing an alarm bell for me.
All I have to do is present my concern briefly and calmly. Usually just once. Then I can generally simply wait and pray.
There are many different possible scenarios, of course.
We need the wisdom, power, and discernment of the Spirit to know exactly how to approach our boyfriend/fiancé, especially if things are not going well, at the time.
There is a time to speak and a time to remain silent and pray. The only way to really know the difference is that we must be in close fellowship with the Lord.
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Prov. 18:21
A Time to Speak
If you believe it is a time to speak up, some options may be to prayerfully consider saying things like:
- I have a bad feeling about this person.
- My “Spidey senses” are tingling about her. She seems like trouble to me.
- I would like it if we both have X, Y, Z boundaries for our relationship to guard our hearts and help us avoid temptation. What boundaries do you believe we should have?
- May I have your permission to speak into your life? (If he says, “yes,” then I can gently share what I see that I believe the Lord desires me to share.)
- I feel like that friend is disrespectful of our relationship.
- I love that you are such a great friend to X. Sometimes, though, I would really love it if I could have more time with you.
- I’m afraid you may be getting taken advantage of here and that makes me sad.
- This situation makes me nervous.
- I would rather that you not be around him again unless he is willing to apologize for what he did and make some real changes.
- I don’t feel safe around her because of X.
- I don’t like this situation at all.
- What this person is teaching doesn’t seem to align with scripture. What do you think?
- I don’t trust this person.
**Remember to use a friendly tone of voice and body language!
Most of the time, simply, respectfully sharing your concern like this is enough.
He will get the picture and he’ll mull over what he wants to do with this new information. Even if he doesn’t talk about his thoughts, he will think about it. I promise!
A Time to Wait
If you have shared your concerns, often, you can just wait. And, if it is something significant, you can pray. There are times when speaking more would actually cause more harm than good.
Men don’t tend to respond well to feeling nagged, criticized, pressured, smothered, or controlled. Honestly, none of us like that approaches!
What if he still doesn’t break contact with the other person?
If you have shared your feelings about a situation respectfully, and he continues on in contact with someone you feel is too toxic, there are several things that could be going on:
- He may have a different perspective.
- He may try to minimize contact, but he may feel he can’t completely break contact, depending on the situation.
- He may feel the person is not as toxic as you believe he/she is.
- He may believe that to completely break contact would create a lot of unnecessary drama and he may think there is a better solution.
- He may have different personal convictions– not that one of you is wrong – you may just have different definitions of how exactly to guard your heart or marriage.
- The Lord may be leading him in a different direction that you don’t know about yet.
- It may take some time for him to decide how to address the situation. Sometimes, you may just need to be patient, depending on the issue at hand.
- He may decide to confront the person directly rather than just break contact. He may feel it is a Matthew 18:15-17 situation.
- He may know something you don’t know that changes what the best approach might be.
- It may take him a bit more time to see the danger you see.
- It is possible that he has a more accurate view of what is happening than you do. All of us can be wrong at times.
- He may be making an unwise decision—intentionally or unintentionally.
- Or, this may simply be an issue for you to take to the Lord in prayer.
Note – If you expect your man to cut ties with almost everyone in his life, it may be that there is some pain to address in your life. Check out these posts.
Depending on the situation and on the Lord’s leading, there may be a time to address the issue again, eventually. Or God may direct you to simply pray and wait and let Him work. God can change a husband’s heart, our perspective, or He may even change the circumstances and other people.
We invite You to give us the wisdom we need in difficult situations. Illuminate our path with Your Spirit, Your truth, and Your Word. We want to honor and glorify You!
Without going into details about other people’s sin here in this public format, do you have godly wisdom to share about this topic? Or do you have concerns or need some encouragement and support?