I believe that people who are going to marry each other shouldn’t have secrets. It is infinitely better to get everything out in the open before marriage so each person can make an informed decision and commitment than to hide things and then your spouse finds them out later.
When that happens, the feeling of betrayal is massive. It can be very difficult for a couple to rebuild trust if important things were hidden before marriage.
Before You Marry Someone…
You Both Deserve to Know Things about Each Other Like:
Sexual Issues
- Have you had sex before?
- Do you have any STD’s?
- Do you have any hangups about sex in marriage? Do you believe sex in marriage is “dirty” or “wrong”?
- Do have a total lack of libido?
- Do you have a sex addiction or porn addiction?
- Have you been married before?
- Do you have any children already?
Concerns Relating to Future Children
- Do you have any genetic issues you are aware of that could affect your children?
- Do you know any reason medically why you may not be able to have children?
- What do you expect to happen if/when you have children? Do you plan for you both to work or for the wife to stay home?
- How many children do you want to have?
- Are you afraid or nervous to have children? If so, why?
- Do you plan to use birth control? Do you have moral objections to certain kinds of birth control or abortion?
Emotional/Physical/Spiritual Scars
- Have you experienced any sexual abuse in the past?
- Have you experienced spiritual abuse in the past?
- Have you experienced emotional/verbal abuse in the past?
Potential Liabilities
- Have you gotten in trouble with the law before?
- Do you have any debt? What is your plan to take care of it if you do?
- Do you have any addictions? If not now, have you had any in the past?
- Do you have any mental health illnesses?
- Do you have any chronic medical conditions?
- Have you had surgery before?
- Do you have any allergies to foods, environmental allergens, or medications?
- Is there anyone trying to harm you (like a previous ex or coworker)?
- How many people have you dated in the past? Is there anything important your future spouse should know?
- Do you have any dealings with the occult or anything that may cause your potential spouse pause or concern?
- Do you have any learning disabilities?
- Do you have any biases or prejudices against the opposite sex or any ethnic group?
- Are you bitter toward anyone?
Abilities
- Are you able to drive? If not, will that be a major problem?
- Is there any reason you won’t be able to work and get a job?
- Are you responsible with money?
- What chores and responsibilities do you plan to handle in the marriage?
- What type of income do you earn? What kind of income do you expect to earn in the future? What is your career plan?
Spiritual Issues
- What are your spiritual beliefs?
- What do you believe about divorce?
- Who do you most admire spiritually?
- What do you want most in your walk with Christ?
- Are you genuinely a believer in Christ?
- Do you believe the Bible is the only source of absolute truth?
- Do you believe in Creationism?
- Do you believe the Old Testament is historical fact?
- Do you believe you are accountable to God for everything you think, say, and do?
- Do you intend to live your life for Jesus as Lord?
- Is there anything or anyone more important to you than God?
- Will we pray out loud together?
- What church will we attend?
- How much will we give to charities or to church?
- What are your political beliefs?
Marriage Expectations
- What are your expectations going into marriage?
- Are you willing to be completely transparent with your cell phone and internet use?
- Are you willing to give up all close friendships with the opposite sex in order to honor your marriage covenant?
- Is there anyone you have contact with who makes your future spouse uneasy?
- What place will your parents have in your future marriage?
- What system will you use to manage your money? Will you have one bank account or two? Who will pay the bills?
- How do you plan to handle conflict?
- What will you do if the two of you can’t agree on a major decision?
- Will you go to counseling to help prepare you to have the tools you will need for marriage?
- Will you have a godly mentoring couple you will be accountable to?
- How did each of your parents handle finances, cooking, chores, and child-rearing?
- Who was in charge in each of your parents’ marriages?
- How did your parents handle conflict?
- How will we handle trials and difficult times and illness? What is our plan to deal with adversity?
- What is your general personality? What are your strengths and weaknesses?
- How clean and organized do you like your home to be?
- What are your biggest pet peeves?
- How do you respond when things don’t go the way you planned?
These are just a few of the questions you’ll want to both be clear on before committing to marriage.
If you need more resources, please let me know. <3
Related
Am I Ready to Be a Godly Wife?
Should You Be a Full-Time Working Wife and Mom One Day?
How to Prepare for Marriage without Making It an Idol
I too believe in being open and honest to know in court before you actually jump into the the actual Act of sex or marriage you need to know concerns likes dislikes you need to know about the person you need to know what you’re getting into about the person’s past present and future but at the same time not judging for their past to worry about it because you’re not in the past you’re embracing the present as you already chose to talk to a person and if you know everything before you start there’s nothing can alter your state of mind about that person or change your feelings toward them there’s anything anybody tells you if you already knew is never bothered you in the first place cuz they’re not that person no more they become a person that you love that you care and understand about that you know better than anyone as you chose to become that person’s one and only and to know that you have someone special in your life someone that actually meet your requirements and don’t hold you back support you gives you what you want need and desire emotionally physically and sexually and don’t judge you or put you down I don’t worry about what others think that keeps her heart mind and body focused on you alone knowing that it every want and desire lies with you never needing a straighter look aside Always setting aside turn for your person or your spouse and your family never to focus so much on work to lose the focus that what you doing the work for your family that’s what a marriage consists of
Nicholas Courtway,
Yes, I believe it is the most respectful way to approach a potential marriage by being honest and transparent with one another.
Then each person can decide ahead of time if this is something they are willing to agree to and there shouldn’t be many surprises later.
We can certainly have grace for others for past sins, failures, mistakes, etc… if they have repented. But these things are things we should be aware of so we can consciously decide if we can deal with them.
If the sin is still ongoing, we can be prepared to offer forgiveness and grace, but we may not be able to trust them. We will want to stop and not move forward toward marriage, but let the other person get a chance to make things right with themselves and the Lord and to see the fruit of repentance over a significant period of time before committing to marriage.
Thanks for sharing!
April, as usual this is right on time. These questions have to be asked, two people who are considering marriage especially in the times that we live in dont have time to be timid or shy, the tough and uncomfortable questions have to be asked. Yes, if you have anymore resources that would be great if you could share those as well. I am currently in a class at church for singles that want to be married and we are being taught questions to ask like these and more such as what would be some non- negotiables that would cause us to not marry that person. Thank you for letting the Lord use you in a mighty way with the blogs and your video series. God Bless
Marie,
Exactly! these days, questions like these are more important than ever. There are very few people who really want to live for Christ. It is wise to be discerning and not make assumptions.
You can check out these posts:
Red Flags
Red Flags Part 2
Learn From My Mistakes About Ignoring Red Flags– A Guest Post
How Can You Know If You Are Ready to Be a Godly Wife?
How Do I Prepare for the Reality of Marriage Without Making It an Idol?
Preparing to Discern When Not to Submit to a Husband’s Leadership in Marriage
Should I Submit to My Boyfriend/Fiance?
What Does the Bible Say about Marriage Roles?
I have plenty more, if you need them.
Much love!