Get ready and brace yourselves, ladies. I am about to deliver the most shocking news you have EVER heard.
Your man is a HUGE sinner. Like… he is in SERIOUS need of Jesus. On his own – apart from Christ – he is selfish, unkind, unloving, mean, cruel, difficult to deal with, too passive or too aggressive, ungodly, an idolator and he possibly even struggles with lust, greed, lying, stealing, hatred, un-forgiveness, bitterness and ALL KINDS of heinous sins.
I know – it’s mind boggling. 🙂 I’m sure you haven’t figured that out on your own – so you probably don’t believe me. You may need to go check with him on this one, right?
Just kidding! Please do NOT go check with him! 🙂
I usually focus on OUR sin, OUR responsibilities, OUR obedience to God and our side of the equation. That is where our power is, after all!
But we ALL have to deal with our men sinning against us – just like all men have to deal with us sinning against them. Sometimes it’s much worse than others. We are ALL wretched sinners! This topic could seriously be a book in and of itself. So this one post isn’t an exhaustive resource on dealing with our guys’ sin in a godly way. But it is hopefully a starting point.
EXPECT your man to sin against you. He is NOT God. He WILL mess up. He WILL do hurtful and hateful things sometimes. He is human. And that has to be ok. Yes, he is supposed to represent Christ to you especially once you are married – but he is NOT Christ and to expect perfection is just setting yourself up for a disaster.
Focus on your own mountain of sin on a daily basis, and try not to focus much on his. The more I see what a wretched sinner I am – and just how much Jesus has forgiven me for – the more grace I have to lavish forgiveness, mercy and grace on my husband.
Gary Thomas in “Sacred Influence” says, “We are most tempted to sin when we have been sinned against.” That is SO TRUE! So – be Spirit-filled. Have God’s power in you. Repent of all your sin. Obey God’s Word. Then you will have the power of God to respond without sin when your man sins against you. Being angry is not sinful – but in our anger, we must not sin ourselves!
God is sovereign. Once we are married, He has assigned my husband to me for my good, as a gift to me, as my leader, protector and provider. But He has also assigned my particular husband to me to use his sins to mold me into the image of Christ. God will use my husband’s sin against me as a hammer and chisel to create the image of Christ in my soul. It will be PAINFUL. It will be a cross I must bear. And God will use it for my good and His glory.
WE HAVE SO MUCH POWER!
We are NOT responsible for our guys’ sin. They are accountable to God for their sin and we are accountable to God for our own sin.
But, in a romantic relationship, our response to our man’s sin is POWERFUL. We can either respond with evil and cause the whole thing to spiral downward completely towards destruction and the death of the relationship, or we can respond in the power of God’s Spirit and breathe healing, life, strength, grace, peace, hope and help into our relationship when our men sin against us.
BEING UNLOVING, CRUEL AND HATEFUL
It’s possible that your man is a total narcissist who is incurable and who will be chronically selfish and cruel his whole life. There are a few of those in the world.
Thankfully, MOST men are fairly decent guys. They are all sinners, of course. But most men will respond VERY well to respect.
Now if you have been extremely disrespectful for 5 years – it will take TIME for your man to really trust
you and begin to open up to you again. He may continue to stonewall for a year or more from the time you implement respect and submission and stop controlling and being disrespectful. But ultimately, when you are married, you are called to respect your husband and submit to His God-given leadership out of obedience to Christ regardless of the results. So, it is our duty to obey God’s Word and honor Christ in our marriage regardless of what our husbands are or aren’t doing.
If you are not married, but you cannot respect your man and you cannot trust his leadership – those are HUGE RED FLAGS
that this may not be a relationship that is a healthy idea. You MUST respect a man once he is your husband – God commands it. And you MUST cooperate with his God-given leadership once he is your husband – God commands that, too. If you cannot do this, please do not marry him or stay in a relationship with him. It will end in misery unless and until you are willing to change YOURSELF.
The great news is – usually, as we get rid of disrespect and learn to speak “respect” in a meaningful way to our men – the verbal abuse, unloving behavior and comments usually dramatically decrease over time.
You can say (calmly):
- That really hurt my feelings.
- Did I do something disrespectful just now? That felt unloving to me.
- Please don’t speak to me like that or I will need to leave the room. (And then, respectfully, with dignity and poise, leave the room if he cannot control his temper.)
- Please don’t yell. I feel so scared when you do that.
- Please don’t say things like that – it hurts me so much.
Hopefully, just saying something like that will elicit an apology.
If not, you may want to give him some space, respectfully, to process his feelings for a few hours or over night. And keep some distance. Then when he approaches you, you can say, “I’m still upset/hurt/sad.” And you really don’t have to go into much more detail than that. He will probably apologize.
But also, consider that Jesus calls us to bless when we are cursed and to repay evil with good and to pray for those who mistreat us. So during that time of giving space, we can be praying for our men and for Satan’s strongholds to be torn down. We can pray that God will help us to forgive and have wisdom about how to bless our guys. And we can pray about what kind thing we could do to show respect and love.
PLEASE – DO NOT go on a big emotional tirade against your man! Then he will be thinking about YOUR anger, bitterness, rage and sin and he won’t have to think about his sin! If you can respond WITHOUT sin to him when he sins against you – he will have SO MUCH weight of conviction and he will eventually apologize on his own.
The more respected he usually feels -the more it will tear his soul apart to see that he has hurt you, the woman he loves most in all the world. Your distance and pain will make him feel AWFUL and he will try to make things right.
If he feels constantly disrespected – he may not care much about your feelings – and you may have to pray and wait on God to work in his heart as you continue to obey God yourself, expecting God, not your husband, to meet your emotional and spiritual needs.
FLIRTING WITH OTHER WOMEN
No woman attracts her man back to her with hatred, contempt, anger, rage, bitterness, unforgiveness, judgment, condemnation and berating him as a total failure. That is not how men work.
It is your admiration, your faith, your praise, your respect (for the good things you can find in him) and your desire to follow his leadership (when he is not leading into sin) that will draw him back to you.
The more disrespected your man feels, the LESS your feelings will mean to him. Men don’t care about the opinions and feelings of someone who treats them with disrespect.
So your first job will be to learn what disrespect means and what respect means to him and to cut out ALL disrespect (even all the unintentional disrespect) and begin to show him respect. My post from Sept 19th has a long AWESOME list from husbands on my site www.peacefulwife.com about what is disrespectful to them. And then read the post that is linked at the top of my home page “101 Ways to Show Respect to Your Husband by MintheGap” for some ideas about how to show respect for your man.
As you begin to actually STOP disrespecting him – which repels him – and you learn to begin to respect him – he will likely be drawn back to you.
THEN – he will begin to actually care about your feelings.
When he gets used to you being joyful, happy, content, smiling, accepting and welcoming – he will want to keep that feeling going. Your happiness and joy is his greatest reward. If you are mean, negative, angry, scolding, yelling, name-calling and disrespectful all the time – he will build a wall against you and shut you out of his heart. He will decide it is impossible to please you and it’s not worth trying. And he WON’T CARE that you are in pain. He is in too much pain himself to care that you are in pain. And he won’t respect you because you are so down on him all the time. Men only let people they respect influence their decisions and actions.
But when you respect him and are a joy – he will begin to want you to be happy, to open his heart up to you slowly, and eventually he will care VERY much about your feelings and happiness. Eventually, all it will take is for that light of faith and trust in your eyes and the beautiful smile on your face to go away for a minute or two and he will be asking what he can do to make you happy again. Yes. Really.
The being silent thing is about spiritual things in marriage. You are silent about God and church and Bible reading, etc (I Peter 3:1-2 – if you have a husband who is disobedient to the Word of God), and show him respect. This applies specifically in marriage – although I imagine it could work in a committed dating relationship. But honestly, if you do not respect your man spiritually and he is disobedient to the Word of God – you need to get out of the relationship. You can’t change him. God may change him in time – or He may not. PLEASE do NOT marry an unbeliever or a wordly or carnal Christian. That is a fast track to total misery. Find a godly guy who loves Christ with all his heart!
If he is flirting or doing inappropriate things with other women (short of an affair)- you can say,
- I feel so hurt when you flirt with women.
- I only want you to flirt with me.
- I feel so sad that you are talking with other women.
- I am scared that you don’t let me be your friend on Facebook. I feel afraid to trust you when I see you shut me out from certain areas of your life.
- I want to trust you and respect you- and I am scared to right now. Please make it easier for me to be able to totally trust you and respect you as the God-given leader of our marriage.
- I want you to stop talking with her.
- I want to feel completely safe and protected with you.
- I want to know that you are protecting your heart and our relationship.
So – you say what you want WITHOUT lashing out in anger. You are vulnerable and share your feelings in a pure way, a VERY, VERY, VERY boiled down and brief way. He can hear you when you talk to him like this. You can cry and be sad. But if you attack him with anger and an emotional ocean of negativity – he will drown in it.
Then – as you become respectful and he begins to care about your feelings – all you have to do is look sad and say you are sad – and he will probably apologize. If he doesn’t, you just respectfully move away and create some distance from him. Bob Grant, marriage therapist, says “Words are for women. Men don’t respond to words. Men respond to pain and distance.” So you sharing your painful feelings “I feel X” and moving away physically and emotionally will make him feel guilt and want to make things better. Yes – this is the exact opposite of how we as women want to handle this. Want to dump our ocean of negativity on him and blast him for an hour or two with all our horrible emotions. This does NOT help our men come back to us! It repels them. So it is up to us to learn to communicate in a way that is EFFECTIVE for our men to best hear our hearts and our main message.
You don’t have to argue. You don’t have to lose control. The more you do those things, the more you push him to the women you don’t want him to talk to. He finds acceptance and validation and respect there. He needs to find acceptance, validation, edification, appreciation, affection and respect with YOU.
If your man is telling little lies, I think that being calm about it and not making a HUGE, HUGE deal about it would be helpful. And keep in mind that the more he sees you trust him as leader and you respect him, the safer he will feel with you. He is probably lying to avoid your big reaction, drama, lecture, scolding, disrespect and contempt. My recommendation is to respectfully, calmly and without emotion say something like:
- honesty is REALLY important to me.
- PLEASE tell me the truth. We will work through this issue together. I want to try to stay calm and hear what you have to say. I don’t want you to be afraid of me freaking out and losing control of my emotions. I want to respect you, and for me to be able to fully respect and trust you, I need to know for sure that you always tell me the truth.
When he does tell you the truth, maybe say:
- THANK YOU SO MUCH for telling me the truth. It’s painful for me to hear. But I admire you greatly for having the courage to tell me the truth. I feel so much safer knowing that you are being honest with me. When you tell me the truth, even about little things, I REALLY respect that about you.
- It means SO much to me that you have the courage to tell me the truth. That helps me to respect the man you are so much. I admire your willingness to be honest. Thank you.
Then keep up the respect and nix all the disrespect. As he sees he is safe – I think you’ll see the lying fade away in a few months, most likely.
If your man is telling bigger lies, you may have to calmly and respectfully (and probably with great sadness) say something like:
- dishonesty/lying is totally unacceptable.
- I REALLY want to trust and respect you – but I just can’t respect lying. That is not ok.
- I need to see you do X, Y and Z to help me rebuild my trust in you. I need total honesty and transparency from you in order to work to be able to give you all of my respect and admiration again.
- I’m really disappointed.
- I am devastated.
Hopefully that will be the kick in the pants he needs to apologize and get on the right track. You can do this WITHOUT attacking him.
If you catch him in big lies again or other major sin (adultery) – you may need to follow the Bible’s advice about when a brother sins against us. First we are to go show him his fault, just between the two of us in private (which means, NOT bashing him on FB or to friends, coworkers or family!) If he doesn’t repent, then we take another believer – probably a strong Christian mentor or friend or pastor and RESPECTFULLY confront him with that witness present and helping us. Then the Bible says to take the matter before the church if he still won’t repent and treat him like an unbeliever. Most churches don’t do discipline anymore. Sadly. But if he is living in habitual sin, you will have to treat him like an unbeliever – because he is not living at all with the power of Christ. And you will need to break up with him, in my view – if he is telling major lies and can’t change. You may have to implement consequences – ending the relationship- with gentleness, respect, poise and dignity.
This sin gives you biblical grounds for divorce when you are married. And – if there are already issues with infidelity BEFORE you get married – that does NOT bode well for your marriage. If you decide to stay in the relationship – you need to see real repentance and accountability and transparency for a LONG time before you marry a man in this situation. And you must be able to forgive him and rebuild trust. If you can’t forgive, and can’t trust – your resentment and contempt will destroy your relationship.
PHYSICAL ABUSE/SUBSTANCE ABUSE
Please get some godly, experienced help. This issue is more than I can address in this post – and you will need major help ASAP.
I know I didn’t remotely cover all possible situations. If you have a specific question, please let me know!