FROM A BROTHER IN CHRIST IN RESPONSE TO MY POST YESTERDAY:
When a guy leaves, it is pretty important that a girl know that he may have a variety of motivators.
For instance, I vanished from one girl’s life because although she was fun sometimes, she was a top-rate complainer and would get very crabby lots of the time.
It would be easy for her to couch my departure as being “afraid of commitment”. Well, no, I just decided I did not want to deal with a crabby person. Perhaps I can’t “handle” a strong woman? This is another way to reframe a bossy girl’s personality as a defect of the man.
Yes, I could “handle” it, but why would I want to? Would we phrase it the other way if the guy was a lazy, unambitious person? “Jenny ran from Joe – she was “afraid” of commitment, and needs to develop the maturity to be in a relationship.” I don’t think we would likely hear it put that way.
- Some men run because they are immature.
- Some men run from immature women.
- Some men run because they are afraid to be fathers.
- Some run because they think the girl will be a scary mother.
But even the term “run” carries the implication that the man is a coward. So, once again, we see the ever-present viewpoint of seeing men as little boys.
Men run from misery far more than they run from responsibility.
I will definitely be much more careful about using the word “run” from now on! My apologies to all!
I would like for us to consider that there are many reasons why a man might leave. Some do have to do with the woman or the relationship. Some may not have anything to do with her. I think another point may be – while women often stay in a relationship and try to change a man to be what we want them to be (often, unwisely), men often don’t try to change people. They look to find someone they can accept “as is,” someone they don’t want to change. (Guys, feel free to let me know if you agree or disagree with this idea.)
I wish that men would tell women why they are leaving (and vice versa, of course). I think that could be very important and soul-refining information. I am sure some men do talk about why they are leaving, and I think that is a blessing, even if it is painful at the time. But not all men are going to explain these issues in detail. That can make things really difficult for us as women when we try to figure out what the exact problems were.
Some motivators that I believe may cause a man to want to leave (the men are welcome to clarify things if they would like to):
– she is disrespectful
– she is prideful, controlling, or bossy
– she is too submissive without her own ideas, opinions and strength
– she is not living out a godly life, in his view
– she is very emotional or brings a lot of “drama” with her, he may have concerns about her character
– she has major conflict with an ex
– she wants him to be someone or something he is not, someone he doesn’t want to be
– he feels she doesn’t accept him for the man he is
– she may push too much to have sex before marriage
– she may not be willing to have sex before marriage (if he is not living for Christ at the time)
– she flirts too much with other men
– she has too much contact with old flames
– she may have marriage and children as idols in her heart, desiring the idea of being married and having children more than the idea of being with him in particular (this can be so insulting to a man! Understandably so.)
– she may not be trustworthy in his estimation
– maybe she gossips a lot and he is concerned that she may not be loyal to him, but may hurt his other relationships by gossiping about him in the future, as well
– she may have very different priorities and goals than he does that are not compatible
– they may not agree on key theological issues
– he may realize he is not attracted to her
– he may have a lot of stress in his life with work or family
– he may still be healing from his own scars and wounds
– he may realize that his feelings, ideas, wisdom and perspective seem unimportant to her
– he may feel that she is selfish
– she may try to constantly change him
– she may want to completely monopolize his time and keep him from doing other things that he values
– he may not have peace in his heart and mind about this being God’s will for him
– he may feel too pressured by her
– he may have concerns about her family
– maybe he is immature spiritually
– maybe she is immature spiritually
– maybe she is too needy or clingy, maybe she is never satisfied
– maybe he and she have very different ideas of marriage and family that cannot mix well together
– maybe he has been trying to lead her, but she doesn’t trust him and won’t follow him on most things
– maybe he feels she doesn’t place a high enough priority on the relationship
– maybe he feels she puts him above God in her heart
I am sure the list of possibilities is limitless.
If any of the gentlemen would like to respectfully share reasons why men may decide to leave a relationship, I think it could be helpful for us to hear them. (I am unable to publish comments from the manosphere, per my husband’s request, thanks so much for understanding.)