I personally believe that one of the biggest reasons Christian girls date unbelieving men is that
So many of us truly believe we have the power to change other people.
- If I love him enough, he’ll change for me.
- If I love him enough, he’ll see that he needs to accept Christ, and he will.
- My love is so strong, he won’t be able to resist doing anything I want him to do.
- I’ll just tell him he has to accept Christ. I’m sure he will and then we can get married and everything will be great.
As a formerly controlling wife – I believed that lie, too – that I had the right and the power to change other people.
Here is what is at the root of my thinking I could change other people:
- I believe that I am sovereign, not God, and that it is within my rights to convict and change and save people.
- I believe that I am necessary, not the Holy Spirit.
- I believe that I have control over things that I do NOT actually have control over.
- I believe that my love can force people to do what I want them to do. (God’s love does not force people to do anything, by the way! God doesn’t force Himself on anyone.)
- I do not accept people as they are.
- I don’t accept that each adult has the God-given right to make his/her own choices. I blur the boundaries with other people and believe I can overstep into their lives and make important decisions for them – since, I am obviously “right” and “I know best!”
- I am prideful – thinking myself equal to the power of the Holy Spirit or, even more powerful than the Holy Spirit.
- I make an idol of SELF and being in control – I feel “safe” as long as I think I am in control. I don’t realize it is all a facade.
- I am overly responsible for other people.
- I see God as small, impotent and wimpy and myself as huge, mighty and powerful – I have a warped understanding of my identity and God’s identity.
- I don’t understand God’s sovereignty.
- I really trust SELF not God. I think everything is ultimately up to me for me to make it all “turn out right.” That’s a lot of pressure and stress, by the way, so that is why I am very anxious, fearful, worried, stressed and overwhelmed most of the time.
HOW MUCH BETTER IF I COULD:
- humbly acknowledge that God is God. I am most definitely NOT.
- see that He is HUGE and POWERFUL and MIGHTY and I am nothing!
- understand where my responsibility ends and accept God’s sovereignty and the free will of other people.
- accept people as they are and not try to change them, but leave room for God’s Holy Spirit to work in them.
- repent of my pride and my idolatry of self and mourn over my sin.
- trust God completely, not my own deceptive heart.
- seek God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength.
- find my contentment and purpose 100% in Christ Jesus alone.
- delight to obey God’s Word because of my deep love, reverence and worship of Jesus.
- seek to be the woman God desires me to be.
- only consider dating godly men who show consistent Fruit of the Spirit in their lives: real love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
- see the enemy’s snare and avoid the ungodly, carnal men who seem so appealing but in the end will bring me misery and incredible pain.
- seek godly advice and counsel before beginning to date/see/court a man if I am not sure about his character or his relationship with Christ.
- understand that I can influence people – but others are ultimately responsible for their decisions.
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES IN A HEALTHY ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP:
- I am responsible for my own emotions. I am responsible for my happiness. I am responsible for my feelings if I am upset.
- He is responsible for his emotions. He is responsible for his happiness. He is responsible for his feelings if he is upset.
- I am responsible for my walk with God and for finding joy in Christ.
- He is responsible for his walk with God and for finding joy in Christ.
- He will not try to force me to do anything.
- I will not try to force him to do anything. It is very disrespectful to try to MAKE someone do what I want him to do.
- It is ok for either of us to say how we feel, what we want and what we need.
- It is safe for me to share my feelings.
- It is safe for him to share his feelings.
- I respect him as a person and respect that he has the right to make his own decisions.
- He respects me as a person and respects that I have the right to make my own decisions.
- I pray for him and desire the best for him.
- He prays for me and desires the best for me.